Holmes Family Dinner
by The Penguin Queen
Summary: It had all started with a simple family dinner. Or the one where John is James and Q is a Holmes. Sorry for the wait! Second chapter is up! Now revised and republished in AO3 under the name His Blogger James Bond
1. Chapter 1

It had all started with a simple family dinner.

Or as simple as one could be when it came to the Holmes family.

John had been invited over to the Holmes weekend family get together because if he didn't go then "really John what's the point in going? You're the one who talks to my family, not me." And for the most part that was true. If prompted John would admit that he spent a lot of time texting Mrs. Holmes because she was a wonderful woman and she worried about Sherlock as much as, or more than even, Mycroft. But John didn't know Mr. Holmes very well, only saw Mycroft on occasion and hadn't even met Quentin, the youngest of the Holmes brothers.

So when he sat down to dinner with the Holmes's he was glad to see that Gregory Lestrade was there, accompanying Mycroft presumably.

One of the seats remained empty as they all sat, belonging to Quentin who was running late. John wondered if he had gotten lost in the mansion, before disregarding the thought; after all he had grown up here. It couldn't be all that confusing once you got the hang of it. To be truthful John could probably have memorized the blueprints of the house before. He had wanted to but it would have been a pain hiding that from Sherlock so he hadn't.

Mycroft was working at his computer.

"Mycroft!" Mummy Holmes scolded. "No working at the table!"

"Would you prefer I let England run itself?"

"I'm sure it did before you came along and it will still stand after you go, so for goodness sakes you can put it down for an hour or two."

Mycroft hummed noncommittally and kept working before Greg reached out from where he was sitting and shut the laptop.

Just then Quentin walked in casually, caught sight of John, and froze. John stared.

Only one thought reached his mind. 'Fuck.'

"James? James Bond? 007?"

"Hello Q."


	2. Chapter 2

All eyes were on John.

"So. Now may be the time to mention that I worked for MI6 for a while..."

"007 you're supposed to be dead!"

"What happened the last time I was presumed dead? Plus with M out of the game it wasn't my place anymore. And plus my shoulder being shot... So yeah. I went out."

"Impossible. We verified the body!"

"I have friends in dead places."

"Well. It certainly is good to see you. I spent a week without coffee in your honor."

Mycroft interjected. "A whole week Quentin? After one day you become miserable company. I pity those who had to put up with you."

"Yes. A whole week."

"Thanks Q. It's good to know you cared. And I should have known that you were a Holmes. The signs are all there."

"John."

"Yes what is it Sherlock?"

"You are a hypocrite."

"How so?" John asked, with a puzzled smile.

"You have faked your death twice now. I faked mine once and you punched me."

John paused and thought. "The circumstances were different. If-"

"Actually I seem to remember you falling off a train to your death and then laying low. The circumstances regarding my brothers fall and yours are shockingly reflective of one another."

"He has you there, mate" Greg put in. "Yes, but I had no real friends. If-"

"And Eve and I were what? Chopped liver?"

"... Shut up Q. And it's not like I was gone forever. I've seen both you and Eve-she goes by Mary now- since then."

"I wasn't gone forever either John."

"Okay, fine. I am a hypocrite and I am sorry for punching you. Is that fair?"

"Aah, but you are more than a hypocrite John. I only disappeared once. And you were upset at Mary when she had a hidden past."

John growled. "Perhaps now I should bring up that I worked for MI-bloody-6 and you don't want to make me angry." he said in a low voice.

Greg busted out laughing. "Sorry John it's just the jumper. Nobody can take you seriously when you look like an affronted hedgehog."

John's eyebrows raised and Greg laughed harder, everyone else joining in.

Sure John could be a famous killer who used to work for the government. This didn't mean his friends feared him or even had cause to.

"A hedgehog? Seriously?" he asked and then laughed too, his heart feeling happier than it had been in a long time.

They knew he was 007. No more hiding.

"John. Now that I know you're capable, I must warn you. If you attempt to fake you're death I will stop at nothing to find you and drag you back. So save me and Mycroft the trouble and don't."

John thought about this and grinned.

"Now you're the hypocrite."

"John."

"No promises."


End file.
